guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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