I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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