Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
