I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
