the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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