Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
