you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How does one acquire holy water?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize