I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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