We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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