I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
