Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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