I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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