He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
