So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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