fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
