I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
