I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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