The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Where is the hickey?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
