dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
