and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
