Taylor Swift is so right about you.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
