Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
