I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
