You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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