One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
