my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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