When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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