Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
