so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
