You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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