I wish I could teleport
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Randomize
