ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
