I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
