Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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