Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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