He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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