I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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