Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
