so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
