I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize