Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
