An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
