its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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