That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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