You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
