I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
