I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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