We won't sleep together?
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
