I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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