Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
