you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
