Swine flu. Run for my life!
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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