i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
