are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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