you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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