I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
