Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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