god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
